Fifty Shades Freed by E.L. James
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Fifty Shades of Drab, Boring Drivel is what this book SHOULD have been called. With none of the racy dominant/submissive power struggles, taboo sex play, or spanking that made its predecessors into something of a nationwide guilty pleasure, Fifty Shades Freed ends up no more kinky than your typical Harlequin romance. (Mousy Ana quickly put the kibbosh on all of that bedroom nonsense when she continued her relationship with Seattle’s most eligible bachelor in Book 2, don’t forget.) On top of that, Book 3 just reads as a means to a predictable and “happily-ever-after” ending. Unrealistic fictional plot elements abound (Careful…spoilers ahead):

1. Ana and Christian are now happily married, and so in love, in spite of the fact that neither is honest with the other EVER and they’ve known each other only a few months. They rarely talk and seem to only communicate through two modes: fighting and sex.

2. Ana, of course, ends up accidentally preggers (ha, and apparently through no fault of her own! How dumb IS this girl?) and the couple has to *GASP* deal with an unplanned pregnancy which threatens to wreck all their globe-trotting, kinky, money-dropping fun.

3. The creepers stalking Christian, Ana, and family have ties to his Fifty Shades of Fucked-Up past. (This isn’t really news though as the main perp was revealed in the LAST book). And since there are no other developed characters in this book, who else COULD it be?

3. Christian, who can’t stand to be touched, suddenly can…but only by Ana and, of course, his new baby son. (In fact, Fifty is so self-deprecating and wrapped up in his wife’s eyes, her hair, her lip-biting, her Ana-ness that one would think HE was the original submissive in this relationship!)

4. Christian spends gobs of money on his new bride, family crises and even kidnappings are averted, accidents end happily, and everyone is SO glad Ana came into the family (even former love interest Jose!). Ana’s best friend then marries Christian’s brother (convenient way for an author not to flesh out any new characters, if you ask me) and then Christian’s sister hooks up with the best friend’s brother. Of course!

5. Ana has changed Christian into a more relaxed, normal guy (albeit less philanthropic). Christian has been able to effectively deal with all his inner demons regarding his dead mother, crazy exes, and his touch/intimacy issues at Ana’s urging. In fact, he now no longer needs to indulge his BDSM fantasies at all because the vanilla sex and “more” Anastasia needed are just so satisfying. He does admit to missing his old lifestyle on occasion, but, true to form, Ana ignores this need, because in her eyes, apparently an occasional round of rough sex makes up for years of hard-wired sexual preferences. (And did I note that Christian does all this changing…suddenly…in spite of years of therapy… and without the aid of his regular psych professional who was conveniently away at a “school parent” function whenever needed)? This Ana is like a damn superhero, ya’ll. She can fix ANYTHING.

As a side note, there were a few surprises in Freed: most of the email exchanges I found so charming in book 1 as well as the the super-annoying “inner goddess/subconscious” from book 2 were largely absent. A couple mini-chapters including Christian’s take on meeting Ana (Hello, “Midnight Sun”!) and how he came to live with the Greys are included after the epilogue.

Overall, BLARGH.

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